I don't want to be ______!

I was reading a memoir on Saturday, and I started thinking about adjectives. Not just the ones I like the best, or the ones I think are hackneyed, or ones I loathe....
I will confess right now, there are one or two I'm scared of.

I'm scared that they will be applied to me, either now or when I'm dead.
(It was a memoir about ALS. I don't have any lethal conditions that I know of.)
And the tragicomic part of it is, they're not exactly terrible words.
You'll see what I mean.

One of the ones I'm afraid of is 'flighty'. I am not always as reliable or as capable as I'd like to be, and I am trying to be better at following up on plans and projects, but I still fear being labelled for this.

I'm also scared of 'slob', 'dowd', 'sloth', and 'useless'. Oh, and 'untrustworthy'. And 'shallow'.

'Angry', 'bitchy', and 'snide' are probably all too applicable.

But my number one, as embarrassing as it is to admit, is 'sonsy'. Ooooh, it makes me cringe! I have this deep-rooted fear that it will be used to describe me at some point, and I can't bear the thought! I know it's silly, and I thought that maybe if I put it out there in the cyber-open, I could stop worrying about it more easily.

 Are there words that you're afraid someone will use to describe you?

(Don't worry, I have some more positive posts coming up.)

I'm a Hufflepuff, and I'm happy that way

I was a late and reluctant reader of the Harry Potter series, only to fall madly in love with it when I gave in and started reading them. Now I'm a bit of a Potter nerd, and I'm not really sorry for that. It will be interesting to see what place the series holds in the hearts of future generations; I suspect it will rank alongside and below such works as the Lord of the Rings, but probably outrank the Chronicles of Narnia, the Chronicles of Prydain, and other such beloved works of fantasy, simply because of the sheer size of the Potter fandom (and the range in ages of its fans, some of whom were kids when the series came out, book by book, and some who were adults, not that it matters).

Nearly every time I take one of those Sorting quizzes, I get Hufflepuff as a result. Once or twice I've gotten Ravenclaw, but I think that's because those two houses are arguably more similar than any of the rest.

This used to upset me, at first. I mean, nothing against Hufflepuff, despite my love for badgers in literature, but I think most readers naturally favour Gryffindor which has a) the coolest name, b) the famous Potter, c) a reputation for bravery, and d) most of the adventures. And despite the fact that they are fictional houses, I don't think it's necessarily a futile exercise to assess oneself in such a way.

Slytherin maintains a bad reputation, of course, but also the association of cleverness and the ability to manipulate others through charisma (or old-fashioned threatening). Ravenclaw has the distinction of being genuinely wise, clear-sighted, and philosophical. Poor old Hufflepuff's sterling qualities are loyalty and friendship, which simply don't sound as grand.

Ah, but they are indeed qualities that matter, and matter to the majority of society in a more direct way than mere philosophy, manipulation, or even courage. Upon further reflection, I concluded that I simply am not brave. (I fear too many things to be considered brave, and I rarely confront those fears of my own volition. During at least half of Harry's exploits I would have stayed behind with Neville.)

Nor am I particularly clever. I have my moments, but the number of derpy, ditsy ones quite overwhelms the others. I have just enough cleverness to know my (manifold) limitations.

I hope I am not manipulative. I do not think I am charismatic. (I think most people who possess those two qualities can recognize them, like Tom Riddle did.)

I am, definitely, deeply loyal to my friends, and very much in need of them. I am a people person, first and last, and this is my strength and also my undoing. Of the handful of talents I possess, loving is perhaps the best. I deeply value fairness and temerity as well. Hufflepuffs are self-deprecating, easygoing, and always ready for fun.

There are downfalls to this personality, naturally.
I can get a little weird(er) if left alone too long. I feed off the energy of a group or crowd or even a single friend nearby, which can leave me deeply drained without my noticing. I can talk the leg off a table (yes, that is a downfall!). I have a lot of friends, some would say too many. I am a people pleaser, too, and often make promises I cannot keep. I like to do things for people- give special gifts and remembrances- and I've been told I have a saviour complex because I worry too much about others' affairs and grievances- specifically ways they might be rescued.

In the past year I have tried to emphasize keeping my word, not taking too much upon myself, and giving my worries to God more faithfully and frequently, with some success, though there is still much room to improve. I also have to work hard to keep my family and friends from becoming idols in my heart that take precedence before God.

I have to go now- but I have more thoughts on these matters for later.

Missing pieces

So, I've been thinking about this voicelessness of mine, and it occurs to me that there are a few specific factors that are contributing to this flailing-in-the-water feeling that I have when I try to commence creative writing these days.

First, I can tell that I lack depth. My comments, posts, and even my thoughts are much more skimming and shallow than they were a year or two ago, I believe. I confess I am not sure how to go about regaining depth. Maybe I should slow down when writing, even when I'm only commenting on Facebook or posting on someone's blog. Maybe I need to pick two or three places online and focus on making actual contributions to them. (Maybe I need to be offline more.)

Oh yeah, I also lack focus. I can't even blame it on becoming a mother. I have such a variety of interests and curiosities that I flit from topic to idea like a butterfly on crack. (And now I am wondering if anyone has introduced butterflies to crack.) Related to this, the things I most enjoy in life (e.g. cooking, reading, makeup, crafting, hiking, singing, etc) are things that I am good at, but I don't excel in them. I'm not sure I excel in anything, to be honest, and that bothers me, because I like to have goals. (I mean, I do have goals, like "Work on organizational skills", "Be kind", and "Pick up rosemary and couscous at the store." But those are hard to measure.)

I think discipline is the third main ingredient that's absent. (Please note that these are not excuses. I am trying to figure out what is broken so that I can try to fix it. I made this mess myself.) That's partly why I am starting up this blog, even if nobody sees it. I am going to post thoughts and get back into the habit, and hopefully as I jolt and lurch along, the cogs will eventually regain their smooth rotation.

I dwell in Possibility.